| lol |
[Wednesday September 22 5:45 pm] |
Your Penis Name is: Beefy McManstick
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| The BIg Rock Candy Mountains |
[Tuesday September 21 12:40 pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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displaced |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Soggy Bottom Boys - The Big Rock Candy Mountains |
] |
One evening as the sun went down and the jungle fire was burning
Down the track came a hobo hiking and he said boys I'm not turning
I'm headin for a land that's far away beside the crystal fountains
So come with me we'll go and see the Big Rock Candy Mountains
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains there's a land that's fair and bright
Where the handouts grow on bushes and you sleep out every night
Where the boxcars are all empty and the sun shines every day
On the birds and the bees and the cigarette trees
Where the lemonade springs where the bluebird sings
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains all the cops have wooden legs
And the bulldogs all have rubber teeth and the hens lay soft boiled eggs
The farmer's trees are full of fruit and the barns are full of hay
Oh, I'm bound to go where there ain't no snow
Where the rain don't fall and the wind don't blow
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains you never change your socks
And the little streams of alcohol come a-trickling down the rocks
The brakemen have to tip their hats and the railroad bulls are blind
There's a lake of stew and of whiskey too
You can paddle all around 'em in a big canoe
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains the jails are made of tin
And you can walk right out again as soon as you are in
There ain't no short handled shovels, no axes saws or picks
I'm a goin to stay where you sleep all day
Where they hung the jerk that invented work
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains
I'll see you all this coming fall in the Big Rock Candy Mountains
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| You're Lips Move, But I Can't Hear What You're Saying |
[Monday September 13 3:30 pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb |
] |
I'm so madly in love with her. . . or am I just insane? It's so confusing. My head definitely isn't right, but I do love her without a doubt. I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm just really lost I guess. Poop.
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| Quagmyre |
[Sunday September 12 2:36 pm] |
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mood |
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 uncomfortable |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Mudvayne - (K)now F(Orever) |
] |
Hmmm. . . haven't updated in a while. I'll cover the past couple days.
On Friday after school, I met up with Liz and Billy at the Harvest Home Fair. Billy is one funny ass little pervert. We rode the ferris wheel and i kept leaning forward and backward, making the cart lean. Billy was freaking out haha. We also rode something that spun really fast and i was getting smashed the whole time but it was still fun. I got to meet Monte too, he's pretty funny. After the Fair, Monte, Billy, and Liz all went back to Monte's. That was when I realized I was stranded at the fucking Fair. I called up Jon and he came and picked me up. He had Alex, Bishop, and Ryan. They were all drunk, Bishop was wasted, and Jon was on Xanax. We met up with Joe Rogers and ended up going to Bigg's and Ryan stole some food. To make a long story short, we took Ryan home, left Bishop's drunk ass with Joe, and Jon and I bought an eighth for Fulton and Hummel. We pinched a joint out and I smoked half and left the rest for Jon the next day cause he passed out. I realized how fried I was when my head went numb so I fell asleep. We woke up around 1 and we smoked the rest of the joint, ate ice cream, went over to Joe Roger's. We smoked some of his shit, went to see Resident Evil 2, and then Jon dropped me off. I took a shower and then my mom took me up to Bogart's to meet Liz. I told my mom she was going to be up there and she didn't seem to mind. We only made it in time to see FTF and then the extra bands. I didn't mind though, as long as I got to see Liz. I also met Lunchbox, even though I never really knew who he was except that he was one of Liz's old friends. Afterwords, Jon and I chilled at Liz's for a little bit and then he took me home and, leaving out minor details, I talked to Liz and then fell asleep.
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[Thursday September 9 5:04 pm] |
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I took her back. I feel like shit. I'm a loser. I need her. I am nothing. All I am is an insignificant little F.U.C.K.
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| All I Need Is Me |
[Thursday September 9 4:14 pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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tired and sick |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Mudvayne - Cradle |
] |
This is hard. Harder than I expected. I still love her but I refuse to go back to her. I need to be alone. It hurts, I constantly feel sick and tired. But pain means growth. I know this is for the better. Punkt.
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[Wednesday September 8 2:39 pm] |
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I just broke up with Liz. I hope she rots in Hell.
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| I'm not beggin' for your fuckin' change, I'm just beggin' for a fuckin' change |
[Monday August 30 8:24 am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 irritated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Breaking Benjamin - Polyamorous |
] |
Ah, coffee tastes so much better when made with milk rather than water. I don't even like milk. Anyway, as I recover from my latest panic attack, I decide to update. . .
This Zoloft shit is making me weird. I keep twitching, having mood swings, getting dizzy, shaking, and I'm a full-blown asshole. Maybe it's making me worse? It seems so. I can't really tell what emotions or feelings I am having. I am always undecided on how I feel. It's really confusing and depressing. I don't really eat at all and I just isolate myself in my room all day. I lost 10 pounds this summer, probably because I never eat. I don't get any excercise because I never leave my room. I don't know about anything any more . . .
Recently things have been going well with Liz and I. But that went down yesterday when she said she wouldn't smoke anymore cigarettes if I wouldn't either. I said ok and we made the deal. I call her up last night and she slips out "Pass the ash tray." I was pissed. She's all like, "oh I would have told you eventually." Bullshit. I don't want this eventually crap. So in 20 years are you going to tell me you cheated on me? I already have my suspicions of her cheating on me, but maybe I'm just crazy. Hell, I KNOW I'm crazy. I refuse to talk to her now, probably for the next week or so. I don't know if I should risk getting hurt again or if I should end this whole ordeal now. Help?
Please, no sympathy in the comments, just empathetic advice.
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| I've Had to Stop All of My Emotions |
[Saturday August 21 10:42 pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Victor Wooten's bass solo |
] |
Yesterday sucked. I went to the hospital at 1:45 and had my check-up and got my meds. That sucked because I had to sit there in front of my mom and tell my physician about my thoughts. I hate doing that. My mom doesn't need to know what I think. Hell, I hate people knowing what I think. The only reason I have this journal is for Liz. Anywho. Thereafter, I went to Tony's and had band practice. I had to take Joe's and Tony's bullshit all day about how they hate my girlfriend and blah blah blah I tuned them out after five seconds. We went to Northgate so Tony could meet up with some chick. Liz called me while I was there and informed me that she was NOT pregnant but she was very sick and she was in the hospital. Just one worry replacing another! I have been anticipating to know if she was pregnant or not for about a week or two now. I was prepared for the worst and was convinved that she was preganant, just in case it were true. Oh, by the way, thanks for the prayers Buschle. Well we found Tony's bitch and she was fat so we left and went back to his house and waited outside for an hour so his drunk bitch friend could get there and she left after 5 seconds so Joe took me home. Well I come home and talk to Liz finally. That turned to shit because she throws shit in my face for not standing up to Joe and Tony and that I'M jeopordizing the relationship, so I hung up on her. She begged to talk to me but I refused. She asked how I could EVER do this to her. Well, I told her that it's exactly the same shit she pulls with me when she gets mad. So I gave her a good taste of her own medicine and went to sleep. I set my first alarm for 6:30 and my second one for 6:31. I turned over in my sleep and switched them both off. I woke up at 7 automatically and took my Zoloft. I then slept until around 1:30 or 2. I got up and got ready and then headed off to work. It was a rather easy day and I got off very early, at around 9. All through the day I had spells of light-headedness or dizziness, I figure from the meds. I hope those things work, but I don't want them to change me as a person. I like who I am and how I act and I don't want them to make me more open or careless or anything, I like keeping to myself. Now I am sitting here bored as balls and I have nothing to do.
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| Come Down, Get Off Your Fucking Cross |
[Friday August 20 3:02 pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Tool - Eulogy |
] |
I just got back from the hospital. I went for a normal check-up but I told my doctor that I tried my brother's ADHD meds last year and they helped. I asked to get prescribed Riddlin. Well we also wen t over my panic attacks and my OCD and all kinds of crap. So in the end, I got prescribed Zoloft. I hope this shit works.
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| FUCK DEMOCRATS |
[Friday August 20 12:08 am] |
| [ |
mood |
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pissed off |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Joe's guitar riff |
] |
I am SICK and fucking TIRED of all this anti-Bush crap. If it weren't for Bush, Iraq would be raping us in the ass every fucking day now. Bush is what's giving you your freedom. Just because your fucking punk bands are all about being anti-Bush doesn't mean they have a fucking clue what they're talking about.
1. Fuck all you Democratic, hippie, salad-eating fuck-asses. Don't ever preach to me about your anti-meat-eating bullshit or I will fucking cut you.
2. World peace is a concept humanity can NEVER achieve. So until it is given to us in a fucking hand-basket, fuck you and your futile attempts towards it.
3. Kerry is proof that Democrats and hippies will be the downfall of our country. Just because YOU are anti-war and don't want to fight doesn't mean Iraq and every other country wants the same. If we pull out, we'll get beat so fuck you.
That's all.
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| What I Have to Do |
[Wednesday August 18 2:07 pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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mmm, coffee |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Flaw - What I Have to Do |
] |
Well it seems as though everyone has been led astray far away from.
From what we know, still can't find a reasons or the right words to say
"It'll be ok"
Wrapped up in all the things that are wrong,
It's the only trial so far, as the verdict falls down you still break away.
Caught up in a social degradation, you can't even see the truth,
We're only half as good at personal relations, look around and see the proof,
Only a few of us go in the right direction, even though we're singled out,
It's the only thing that keeps me alive, I do what I have to do.
How was I to know, force-fed corporate trials each day, every single day,
But we must grow, echoing the single most thing in the way, every little way.
Wrapped up in all the things that are wrong,
It's the only trial so far, as the verdict falls down you still break away
Caught up in a social degradation, you can't even see the truth,
We're only half as good at personal relations, look around and see the proof,
Only a few of us go in the right direction, even though we're singled out,
It's the only thing that keeps me alive, I do what I have to do.
Not slipping, drifting, falling one step further from the norm.
What is the norm?
Not living, longing, trying so much harder than before.
What if I, what if I run far, far away?
Would I still be seen the same? Break away.
Caught up in a social degradation, you can't even see the truth,
We're only half as good at personal relations, look around and see the proof,
Only a few of us go in the right direction, even though we're singled out,
It's the only thing that keeps me alive, I do what I have to do,
It's what I have to do,
It's what I must do,
Just to get through,
It's what I want.
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| Warped |
[Tuesday August 17 9:45 pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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stressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Switch Stance - Couch Bum |
] |
Yesterday I woke up to my alarm clocks at 7:45 and 7:46, then fell back asleep. Fifteen minutes later Craig called and said he was leaving so I got Frankie up, called Pam to pick him up, then I jumped in the shower. I got fast as soon as I could and then I walked up to Deubber's. Craig wasn't there so I was worried he had left without me. He showed up about two minutes later with Fraley. We pick up Alex and went back to Jeff's. We followed them to the Riverbend. I met Liz, Justin, Amy Lynn, and Freddie there. We got inside and had dog tags made at the Army booth. The first band we saw play was Anti-flag at 3:00. I crowd-surfed for the first time and it was awesome. Liz did too and she got dropped straight on her ass! I was like wtf and ran up but couldn't find her, so I crowd-surfed again. haha it was a blast. I really don't like punk so I had fun by crowd-surfing through all the bands. I don't remember what order we saw all the bands, but I enjoyed Taking Back Sunday the most. There was also a booth where you showed a "hidden talent" and won a t-shirt. Liz bent her finger back to her arm. I sniffed a ball chain up my nose and pulled it out of my mouth. Everyone was grossed out and i kept gagging haha. It got me a t-shirt though. Spending the day with Liz was great. I never get to see her, so spending a whole say with her was awesome. I love her so much. Well after Liz left, I met Craig right away and we all left and went to Wendy's. I had no money, so Fish bought me a frosty and I bummed a lot of fries and nuggets off people. Then, we all went to one of the girls' house and we watched a movie. Everyone fell asleep. Craig took me home and I talked to Liz through text. I was terrified that she's pregnant cause she felt sick. She took a test today and it turned out negative, but we're still not sure since it was a little early to take it. Oy vey. Not much left to say since all I did today was sit around and play bass. Peace outside.
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| Restless |
[Monday August 16 12:55 am] |
| [ |
mood |
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restless |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Dresden Dolls - Coin-Operated Boy |
] |
Great. Five petty fucking hours left for me to get some sleep and I'm not even tired. Tomorrow is going to kill me. I just can't stop thinking about her . . .
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| Clog |
[Sunday August 15 10:33 pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 distressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Flaw - What I Have to Do |
] |
Today I was supposed to wake up at 10 so I could get ready and make it to 11:oo mass at St. Simon's but my cock ass reached over in my sleep and turned off both my alarms. I woke up around 1 and called Scott and he drove my ass and my brother's to the hospital so I could catch the 3:45 mass there. Yea, most of you guys wouldn't have guess that I'm a "Holy Roller" as Liz says. Anyway, I saw Tony's brother at mass and he gave us a ride home. We all talked about how Tony did morphine at the hospital cause he broke both of his wrists haha. He said it when they were fixing his arm all he imagined was a bush eating him hahaha. Well after I got home I talked to Liz for a little bit and then my dad dropped me off at Hamrick's for the Wyoming reunion, even though he lives down the street haha. We looked at all the pictures from Wyoming and told some stories and had a short-lived good time. I got a ride home from Ison and Poland. And now I'm here with Liz pissed at me and I just finally got a ride to the Warped Tour (thanks a shitload Buschle). I'll finally be able to spend a whole fucking day with my baby.
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| Poppycock |
[Saturday August 14 11:35 am] |
| [ |
mood |
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restless |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Limp Bizkit - Boiler |
] |
Last night I snuck out at 3:30 to meet Liz at Justin's. I only got to spend time with her until about 6:30, but I can't complain because i enjoy every moment i spend with her. After an extra 20 minutes, I walked home. For some reason it took me two friggin hours to walk home and my hands turned purple from the cold. Also, I had THE worst case of blueballs because my balls knocked together for the whole two hours haha. I stopped at Duebber's to get a Jone's soda. I figured when I got home that my dad would be up waiting for me, but he wasn't. So I went to sleep and woke up when Liz called back. I was supposed to go back to Justin's but I can't til after work because I have to watch Frankie. Bleh I hope this shit works again.
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[Thursday August 12 5:48 pm] |
I ____ Braden.
Braden is ____.
if i were alone in a room with Braden, i would ____.
i think Braden should ____.
Braden needs ____.
Braden will never ____.
I want to _____ Braden.
Braden can ____ my _____.
When I think about Braden, I ____.
Someday Braden will _____.
Braden reminds me of _____.
Without Braden, ____.
Memories of Braden are ____.
Braden can be ____.
____ is how I describe Braden.
Worst thing about Braden is ____.
Best thing about Braden is _____.
Braden _____.
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| You're so cold but you feel alive |
[Saturday August 7 5:00 am] |
| [ |
mood |
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hungry |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Breaking Benjamin - So Cold |
] |
Life suddenly took another one of it's annual U-turns and is now plummeting down the fuckin gutter. The mother unit read my journal i write to liz and happened to see that i had sex with her. As of then, all ways of seeing her, talking to her, and even knowing she is alive have been cut off. Plus, i'm grounded. O well, i still call her and talk to her, but i don't know how long this shit is gonna fly. She says she'll wait out the two years and i sure as hell will too. I love that girl. She's the biggest part of my life so there's no way i'm losing that. This is going to take a lot of patience and planning, but in the end, it will be worth it. Nothing much else to say except tomorrow i'm going to lunch with the small group from wyoming at two and then later on i'm headed out to vegas for three days with joe. I'll update when i get back.
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[Saturday July 31 6:54 pm] |
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she hates me, i know it.
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